Things That Make My Friends Cry

West Virginia makes Collins cry.

You know you’re crazy when you don’t like something that describes itself as “wild and wonderful.” What’s not to like? Moonshine, incest, and cell phone dead zones. Psh, sign me up. While we’re speaking in stereotypes, maybe I should mention that Collins is short as a dwarf. In all honesty, I think she feels threatened by West Virginia, which is in fact a decently small state. So rather than acknowledge its existence, as any civil person would do, she trash talks it behind its back. I apologize for her behavior, West Virginia. We can’t all enjoy outhouses.

Needles make Alec cry.

Alec, like many people, has a strange fear of needles. He even planned out his own Lost- and Harry Potter-themed tattoos with which to stamp his body in tandem with his brother, but found himself unable to muster up the courage to face the prick of the injector. Giving blood? Alec would rather let wounded hospital patients die than give up his precious life matter. Vaccination? Bring it on, Measles, Mumps, and Rubella! He’ll take all of you at once. At least we know he’s not shooting up with heroin during his hour-long bathroom sojourns.

Crossing the street makes Steph cry.

Stephanie is what some people might call “a deer in the headlights.” When confronted with horizontal pavement, she freezes up, overtaken by spontaneous paralysis. She  squeezes her eyes shut tight and shakes her head, crying, “It’s too much, it’s too much.” One might consider picking her up in this near-vegetative state and actually depositing her in the middle of the road without her notice. Because she doesn’t even need to physically be crossing for this spell to seize hold of her. But when she does finally muster up the courage to cross (after first looking both ways, of course), she screams like a madwoman, arms flailing beside her, head held downward to give her the rough shape of a bullet, until she reaches the other side. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a chicken crosses a road.

Jazz makes Stephanie cry.

We all have musical preferences—some genres we enjoy more than others. But Stephanie’s aversion to jazz music might border on insanity. If I recall correctly, one day she left Donkey (her favorite coffee shop where she gets 98% of her homework done) in a huff because they were playing free-form jazz over the speakers. I’m pretty sure she has haunting dreams of Louis Armstrong and Miles Davis. Oh…the horror.

“The Situation” makes Alex cry.

If you’ve ever met Alex, you know that he’s not one to wield fierce emotions unexpectedly. But he obliterated this norm the day that “The Situation” appeared on the television screen in front of us. With the intensity of one thousand Snookie’s catapulted into the sun, he said, “If I ever saw that man walking on the street, I’d bash his face in with a hot tea kettle.” Funnily enough, even after this comment we continued watching “Jersey Shore Reunion.” I can only imagine the psychological damage it did to him. 

Suburbs make Mihuta cry.

Suburbs are normal. Therefore, Mihuta is terrified whenever she encounters them. I once went on a walk through the woods with Mihuta in my neighborhood, which is decidedly average. She suddenly expressed to me that she was concerned that a serial killer was going to kill her. She didn’t specify where, when, or why. Just that one would. Because we were in the suburbs. She particularly dislikes culdesacs, uniformity, and commercial landscaping.

Whales make Alec cry.

Alec was kind enough to reveal to me that he is deathly afraid of whales. Not only whales, but anything large, aquatic, and possibly malevolent, including but not limited to: giant squid, submarines, Titanic, C’thulhu, BP, and Liza Minnelli. Why, might you ask? It remains a mystery. Even Alec is unsure of the tenuous psychological roots creating his aversion to flippers, tentacles, and metal bulkheads. One can only speculate possible post-traumatic stress, involving an unfortunate childhood encounter at Sea World.

Ketchup makes Anna cry.

There are few things in this world that Anna Gebhardt fears. She doesn’t really even believe in germs. But ketchup…don’t go near that girl with ketchup. She would rather “SAW OFF HER ARM” than eat it. Some think that it’s tomato-y magic in a jar, but to Anna it encapsulates all that is evil in this world. Her french fries and hot dogs go naked… and that’s the way she likes it. 

Gravel makes Gina cry.

Gina and gravel don’t get along well. One time, I was riding my bike with Gina, and when we got to some gravel, she flipped a shit. She refused to ride on the gravel, afraid her bike would slide out from under her and she’d get little rocks planted in her face. Oh Gina, you is crazy.